“All I wanted was a white knight with a good heart and a fast horse.”
Well, that’s not entirely true in my case. I was thinking about it last night, what do I really want? What do I picture myself doing in my happy, ideal future? Well, I’m not studying, that’s for sure, not the way I am now, anyway.
No, I’m living in a small house with two bedrooms, a library and a herb garden. I’ll have a bath tub where I can take long baths surrounded by burning candles, and I’ll have a small fireplace I can curl up in front of with a good book. My kitchen will be inviting, and it will be all mine, with a cupboard for spices, and one for herbs, one for magical tools, and one for pots and pans for cooking. I’ll be living with a cat and a dog, and I’ll have my best friend living in a similar small house not too far away, just close enough so that we can have coffee in the morning before we leave for work. My garden will be as inviting as my kitchen, always smelling of Lavender and Rosemary, with a large three to offer shade in the summer and shelter in the winter. A pond, and rocks made for sitting, a small nature temple where you can rest your tired mind and spirit after a long day.
That’s my ideal living situation. I’ll be working at a library, I honestly can’t see myself working anywhere else, except maybe a health food store, or somewhere witchy. I’d love to open up my own book-café, Hedwig and I have been talking about that for as long as I can remember, ever since I read “Dance Upon the Air” by Nora Roberts where one of the main characters owns an esoteric book-café. I’d love to do that, but I’ll settle for a job as a librarian, I know I’d do great at that.
So, where do I go about to reach this dream? Well, I can’t very well buy a house without money, or at least a job, so I suppose that is where I need to start. But the thing it, I’m so tired of school, I feel like I’m about to throw up whenever I think about it. There’s a tight knot of guilt in my stomach, like a meal I can’t digest, because I know I should by studying harder. At the same time, I can’t bring myself to lay my heart and soul into the study I’m doing, because I know it’s not a step in the right direction. I thought I was taking an English course, but it turns out I’m taking an English course for teachers, and I know for a fact after two years at a teachers’ college that I’m not going to be a teacher. So this feels all wrong, all my instincts are telling me that I’m moving in the wrong direction, and my parents are nudging me to finish it. I know they want what they think is best for me, and that is to finish the degree I’m taking and become a teacher, but that’s not what I want, and it’s not what I’d be great at.
So there you have it, the guilt that’s eating away at me. I have decided on a destination now, librarian, I just have to find the right path to get there. Officially, I have decided to take next year off to work rather than studying, but that’s another six months away. Six months and four exams on a course I don’t really want to take, learning things I’ll never need, about a job I don’t want. It sounds so easy when my parents are telling me to “just finish the degree”, but that’s another 1,5 years of my life, another 1,5 years studying something that holds no meaning, and another 1,5 years in the wrong direction.
This guilt is making me depressed, and I’m trying so hard to let go of it, but it’s not that easy. I have basically been raised to feel guilty, and I don’t know how to let go of it.
How do you let go of the guilt?