Rivers in Me.

It feels like I have rivers of tears flowing through me, waiting for the permission to spill.

Tomorrow, it will be exactly one week since I got a phone call from home. My mother thought I should know that my great-grandmother was dying, and that there is a chance that she will live past Christmas, but it’s slim.

So this post is dedicated to her, because I love her with all of my heart, and I hope she still knows that, and it’s going to break my heart into a million little pieces when she leaves me completely.

I went home to see her this weekend, the day after my birthday, and she didn’t recognize me. It’s been years now since she’s recognized me, but somehow, I thought she would now, I really expected her to recognize me now that she was dying, but she didn’t.

A tiny woman was laying in the bed, she barely opened her eyes to look at us, no recognition in them, and the nurse told us she hadn’t been eating at all this week. Those wise eyes that used to shine with love whenever she looked at me, those eyes that has seen so much, both the deepest of sorrows, and the brightest of happiness, now they were empty.

My great-grandmother was the youngest of many siblings, and almost all of her older brothers and sisters emigrated to America when she was a little girl. She was blessed with only one child, a daughter, and when my great-grandmother was only 50 years old, she had to bury her husband. Just 20 years later, she had to bury her only child. So she devoted herself completely to her only remaining family, her 3 grandchildren, and her 2 great-grandchildren. Over the years, we have grown in numbers, and my great-grandmother has kept us together, she was like the grandmother we barely knew, taking her daughter’s place when she left too early, and she was the one who stayed with us when we were home sick, not because our parents didn’t want to, or because they couldn’t, but because that was what we wanted, and she took great pleasure in caring for us.

I know that it’s for the best that she leaves us now, she is very old, and very tired. Her mind is tired, so much that she no longer recognize the people who used to mean the world to her, she used to live for us, and now she doesn’t know us. I know how it would have pained her to see herself like this, so for her sake, I hope that the Goddess brings her home soon, and that she may meet her husband and daughter again before they are reborn.

Seeing her in the condition that she is now made me realize that life is in fact much shorter than we like to think of, and there is so much I want to do. Yes, I am young, but I am also free to do what I want and to be selfish, who knows how long that is going to last? So I want to make a bucket-list, a list of the things I want to do, and I will take great delight in crossing them off that list as my life moves forwards.

If you were to write a list of things you want to do before you die, what would be on it? What would you do first, if you knew you had a very limited time-frame?

One of the things on my list is to take piano-lessons. Listen to this clip, and you will understand why.

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