Armor.

I just came to the realization that I have been wearing my weight as an armor in more than one way. I have not done this intentionally, and I am only starting to realize this now that I am loosing pounds every week and I am starting to feel more vulnerable.

I have felt overweight all my life, so even as a young teenager I just took it as a fact of life that guys would never look at me with any interest. Living with this rule has been a way to protect myself, after all they can’t disappoint you, break your heart or hurt you if you don’t have any expectations and never put yourself out there. So it never hurt me to always be the single one, or when guys never noticed me because I didn’t expect them to notice me.

The few times guys actually did show interest in me and were so obvious about it that even I noticed it, it scared the living daylight out of me. I had no idea how to handle the attention, and I actually went so far as to hide behind some clothes and then run out of the store once when a guy was flirting with me. Poor guy, I could hear him asking my friends where I went, but I was too scared and in such a state of panic, that all I could do was stay hidden.

Other people must also have regarded my weight as an armor, because now that I am no longer quite as big as I used to be, people treat me differently. Suddenly, now that my biggest fault is out of the way, they feel the need to point out everything else that is wrong with me, from my hair and the way I chew (with my mouth close, but apparently I make more noise than the rest of my family) to the fact that I am not running around the house, cleaning every moment of the day and the fact that I am not as easygoing as one of my other sisters. I’m not as bad as one of them, but apparently I can be difficult. People used to “just” point out my weight as a flaw that needed to be corrected, and I was both aware of and prepared for that, but having my other flaws thrown in my face over and over again was not something I was prepared for, and I don’t know how to handle it.

Yes, I am feeling a little bit more secure in my skin now that I am a smaller size, but I’m still far from confident. I’ve always been sensitive, and the roller-coaster of emotions and changes that my life has been the past 2 months have left me vulnerable, so suddenly having my closest pointing out all of my flaws hurts.

Wy is it, that a fat girl is just a fat girl, but the moment she looses some weight it is okay to point out all of her flaws? My mind has not even had time to catch up with the physical changes yet (I seriously can’t see that I have gotten smaller at all, but none of my clothes fit any more, so I must be thinner), give me a break before you throw me to the wolves, won’t you?

How about you guys? Have you ever experienced to have people treat you differently just because you look different?

Low Self-esteem by XstainedrainbowX on Deviantart

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4 Responses to Armor.

  1. Bex says:

    Oh man, oh my, this is the pure essence of how I started to feel when I was losing weight. It wasn’t exactly people pointing out my other flaws though, more people sort of saying how much better I looked, and how handling the attention wasn’t necessarily an easy thing! Even now when I get attention I tell people that they’re wrong, they couldn’t possibly like me due to my size. It’s still a barrier for me, one that I have to over-come, preferably without feeling like I need to change for people.

    • Dravite says:

      Well, it takes much much longer for the mind to catch up with the changes than for the body to do so… Especially if one has been chubby or overweight one’s entire life.
      Personally I feel like it it hunting-season and I am everyone’s prey of choice. Luckily I’m leaving for Uni on Monday, I can not wait to have some peace again.

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